I had no idea that I lived with anxiety, that my worst case scenario thinking wasn’t “normal”. To me, anxiety was crippling panic attacks, increased heart rate and a general jumpy demeanor – the ironic thing? I actually had all this I just didn’t realize!
Filling out the questionnaire my doctor gave me to assess my mental health issues, I scored pretty high in the anxiety category, but when asked about it I just replied with “it’s just how I am and I always remember being this way”. Further questions lead to finding that my anxiety most likely triggered my depressive episode, not the other way around. Other red flags that showed anxiety were things like black and white thinking – it’s either right or wrong with little to no room for grey areas. As mentioned above I have worst case scenario thinking – I started with the worst possible outcome and tried to talk myself down to a reasonable explanation, but usually ended up being able to escalate the worst case first. Good example of this is when I called or text someone who didn’t reply straight away when they usually did. Most people would think oh they’re just busy. Me – OMG THEY’RE DEAD! and if I was lucky I would come to the busy conclusion after a solid 10 minutes of panic. All of a sudden my borderline high blood pressure made sense, I was always operating in a high gear.
I started looking in to what anxiety actually is, not my perceived notion of it, and was shocked that everything I could find to read about it, I identified with. From my procrastination to my increasingly poor memory, all of it could be traced back to my anxiety. Suddenly my life made more sense. The fact that some of the issues also crossover with ADHD explains a lot too, but that’s for another post.
My medication is working wonders to help level me out and get me to regular thinking routines. I don’t drive in a constant state of panic at night any more and I don’t have to have a continual conversation with myself to “calm the f*** down, you know the road and you know you will be OK”. My fear of heights is a lot better. I had a trip up the Lake Louise gondola last summer (about 6 months in with my meds) and for the first time ever I enjoyed the ride and was able to take in the views. I didn’t spend the entire time imagining the cables snapping and falling to my death/being horribly injured and eaten by the resident grizzlies. I don’t constantly question every decision I make, I don’t freak out at small issues, I sleep better because my brain isn’t running a million miles a minute trying to work out what to panic about first. The biggest change is that my head is quiet. I still have an internal monologue, but more often than not it’s just one voice and one conversation (or random quotes and songs) rather than so many things buzzing around there is no way to tell what is going on! The meme below is a perfect example of how my brain used to function!
It’s important to me to share my journey and try to break down the stigma surrounding mental health. Please don’t be afraid to reach out, or ask those around you how they are. We don’t always react kindly to it, but that’s a big sign that we actually need some help. Sometimes it’s just company, sometimes it’s just being able to vent. Everyone is different and there is no one size fits all.
Tanya's mental health journey 