I feel that using phrases such as “that’s depressing” or “I’m depressed by….” have become so overused that when someone is actually depressed our first reaction is they are very sad and that’s it. It is so much more than that and I didn’t fully appreciate just how much more was involved until I had a diagnosis.
I have experienced 3 major depressive episodes in my life; 2 of them I can only identify now I know all the symptoms. I will only focus on my most recent one as this is the one that is freshest in my memory, but the feelings were the same for all of them. To anyone reading this who knows me well, don’t feel bad that you may not have noticed my previous episodes, I hid them well and my goal was not have people worry about me. That right there is one of my first signs – trying to pretend everything is fine so as not to worry anyone. This leads to sign/symptom number 2, isolating myself when I feel I can’t put that happy face on any more. If I can’t hide it I know people will worry and start to ask questions. Why don’t I want people to ask me questions? Because I don’t have a good reason for feeling the way I do which ties in with sign/symptom number 3. What have I got to be depressed about? On the face of it – nothing. Especially with this last episode, my life was going very well. I am in an awesome relationship with a very supportive and loving man, I have great extended family here in Canada, an amazing support network of family and friends in the UK. I have a house, I have a vehicle, I had no real financial struggles, I had just started working full time for the first time in 5 years. All this is amazingly positive, but there was this feeling inside me that all wasn’t right and the more I tried to justify why I felt that way, the more frustrated I got and the more depressed I felt. And that is sign/symptom number 5 – depression is a lying bitch! My depression is mainly caused due to a chemical imbalance in my brain, so I don’t make enough happy chemicals and the sad and negative chemicals find it very easy to over power those few little happy ones and bury them so deep you feel like they will never be found again.
This quickly leads into a downward spiral until you have got so far down the rabbit hole you have no idea how you got there or how you are ever going to get out. For me, that is when the sadness kicks in. This is the point where I will cry at least once a day for no other reason than I feel like I can’t fake being “normal” any more. Crying myself to sleep is totally normal at this stage. The weight of everything comes crashing down and you spend time trying to reason with yourself and make yourself feel better, and while working on this you realize it’s 1:00 am and you’re not even close to being able to sleep, even though you are mentally and physically exhausted. The photo above is the closest I can get to showing how it feels, you are like a shall or a shadow of yourself, just going through the motions, hoping everything is a bad dream and if you can sleep for long enough you will feel whole again, but there is no such thing as enough sleep. There is some crossover at this point with my anxiety, as I have worst case scenario thinking and even the smallest “negative” (read my perception is that it is negative) thing is used to justify the depression and you are convinced the life you know will all come crashing down because you couldn’t just be happy with what you had and the universe has to give you a reason for feeling like shit. Like I said before, depression is a lying little bitch and none of what you are thinking is actually true.
Having the strength to finally seek help this time around has quite literally been life changing for me. The happy, positive person I always tried to be is actually the one that is there most often. Knowing the signs that I’m starting to slip into a bad place is HUGE. I ask for help now more than I used to. I’m still a work in progress with that part, but I know I need to work on it.
If anything you have read here resonates with you – either personally or you see this in someone you know – please get help. There is no shame in needing help to feel like yourself. If a friend is withdrawing from you, don’t ask them why, see if there is something they need. Not bringing attention to the fact they aren’t themselves can be very valuable in allowing them to open up to you. But everyone is different so don’t take my word as gospel, I’m not a mental health therapist or medical practitioner, I’m just speaking from my point of view.
Tanya's mental health journey 