Sometimes I wonder…….

So here we are. 6.5 months into 2020 and boy what a fucked up year this has been!

I was so excited for this year; 2020 not only a new year but a new decade. I turned 40 in January and unlike the complete meltdown I had about turning 30, I was ready to embrace my 40s. Not long after though, the world as we all knew it ended. The novel coronavirus Covid-19 hit pandemic status. First, my workplace closed down and I was repurposed elsewhere. However this made my anxiety go haywire, so I asked to be laid off “until things calm down” HA! Then school closed and switched everything to online with only 4 weeks of the semester left. The promise of work until breakup for my other half disappeared and we were faced with the reality that we could not meet our financial obligations on just EI payments. Luckily, we could defer a lot of things and the CERB was announce meaning we would bring in $4000 a month. A fraction of what we were used to, but better than nothing.

Never did I think that we would still be battling the pandemic 3 months later, but reality now looks to be we can expect the rest of 2020 to be socially distancing, no large groups and staying home whenever possible. Never did I expect that when they announced the CERB would be paid out for 12 weeks that it would have to be extended as so many of us are still unable to return to work. Never did I think that I may not return to work in 2020, but that is the current reality.

Not content with all this uncertainty, my body decided to throw me a curveball and add in physical health issues in addition to my mental health ones. 2020 you sure have been a bitch of a year so far lol

As you can imagine, all this has me wondering Why? A lot. I have questioned a lot of decisions I’ve made, including my choice to move to Canada. As much as I love this country, all it’s done is put me further behind financially. The current AB government makes me question their sanity (and my own) on a daily basis right now and the longer I’m here, the more I don’t see a long term future in AB.

I love what I’m studying in school, but job searches are asking for a higher qualification than what I will end up with. I’ve made my peace with having to go back to what I know, but I feel like that will put me further behind as the jobs are more complex and the wages are not reflecting that. Which again leads me to ask why. Why am I getting education to support my years of experience only to be paid less in 2020 than I got paid in 2009? How am I ever going to retire? How am I ever going to stop living pay cheque to pay cheque and actually start to be able to get myself and my other half in a stable financial position? So. Many. Questions.

I don’t have answers to any of this right now, I’m just trying to work on a plan B. Trying to figure out the next best move for our future, for my mental health and for my other half. I’m hoping this pandemic makes us a society re-evaluate what is important, that we can change some of the fundamental ideas that we built our lives around but don’t serve us in any way but to cause undue stress. I’m hoping we take advantage and make a world we want to live in and have the ability to enjoy and not just view from office windows.

I remain hopeful.