Moving on…..

Here we are, far too long since my last post and so very much has changed! If you had told me at the start of 2020 my life would end up this way, I would’ve laughed at you! 2020 was going to be MY year, but Covid had other ideas. Now we are almost 11 months into 2021 and I don’t recognize my life any more. Let me explain a little more.

As alluded to in my last post, I find myself without the love of my life by my side. The pain, both physical and mental has been brutal to say the least. It’s taken me until now to accept the reality of the end of the relationship. It was like someone had pulled the floor out from under me and left me to free fall, only first you land in the firey pits of hell where everything physically hurts you and you figure things can’t get any worse, but somehow they do! I thought I knew what rock bottom was, but I had no idea just how far down I had to go before I could start climbing back up.

Starting 2021 I was hopeful things would get better, by February they were far worse than I ever imagined. By March I was in a place I didn’t like but saw no way out, and even increasing my medication had little effect. I got a job working with animals which I loved, but I couldn’t sustain the happy feelings once I got “home”. My house became just a house, a place of pain rather than joy, but I wanted to keep it as it was mine and I could fill it with love again. That wasn’t meant to be and by June my house was sold, my possessions were being packed into a storage unit and I had a one way flight booked to England, tail tucked firmly between my legs. I watched through my pain as life around me moved on without it asking if I was ready. I wasn’t. Everything felt like a huge slap in the face and I questioned everything. I wasn’t ready to accept reality.

July 16th was my last day in Canada. It hurt. I cried. I tried to tell myself I was doing the right thing, but it just felt so very wrong. 15 years of my life have been wiped out with nothing to show for it but my blue passport and a very broken soul. I kept telling myself I had to make the best of it, and in the back of mind hoped within a couple of weeks I would be told what a big mistake it was that he let me go and how he can’t live without me (spoiler alert, he’s moved on and I never heard those words).

I was embraced (literally) by family and friends when I was finally allowed out after my 10 days quarantine. Meeting up with people I hadn’t seen in many years started to revive my soul and the possibility of happiness started to creep back in. It was threatened to be derailed very early on in my journey, but I felt the things and did my best to move on. It was far from easy, but that brief fit of rage and utter sadness made me sign up for online dating (yes I’m a sucker for punishment). My main aim was to meet new people through the dating apps for friends, I had zero interest in any sort of romantic relationship, but friends are very hard to come by. On the other hand, if you want to get laid there’s no shortage of guys on there offering. I liked the ego boost, but couldn’t take the pushy and entitled people who were the ones sending me the most messages. A few people I decided to give my number to, but for the most part I ghosted everyone by deleting accounts. I realized I don’t owe these people any explanation which was a very freeing thought.

Next phase to feel human again was to get a job. It felt like it took an age to even get an interview, but I had to keep reminding myself of how little time I had actually been back in the UK for. The fact I was antsy was a good thing, I was ready to resume life and not simply exist. A less than ideal 2 week temp assignment was my first experience back to work, and now I’m working full time with almost a full month under my belt. I’ve done this in 3 months….

And this is where I’m at now. I’m about 3.5 months back in England, working full time, seeing a great guy and starting to make some plans. I get out of the house a few times a week outside of work. I reach out to friends near and far to let them know I’m thinking of them. I am a different person than the one who arrived that short time ago, and I’m unrecognizable from the person I was back in February in all the right ways. Those who have been with me this entire shit show that passes for the last 2 years tell me how I’m myself again. Friends who talk to me on the phone can hear the change in my voice, those who see me tell me my spark and my glow is back. Rock bottom is becoming a memory, but I have to be very careful to not let myself get back on that downward slope. I’m doing my best to look forward, to take this new, unfamiliar path one step at a time and not rush ahead. My goal right now, get to the end of this year with continued good feelings, I will deal with 2022 when it arrives. I’m feeling stronger, like I can start taking on challenges again without crumbling, but I know that I have to keep working at it so I don’t fall backwards. The way down is a slide, the climb back up is torturous and it’s so easy to give in to the easy way, but I know I don’t like what is down there. That shining light at the top has to hold my attention and so far it is and I’m winning my battle, taking another step closer every day.